三人的心聲

【三人的心聲】等待著一份完全屬於我的生活

作者: 蘇案平反行動大隊  日期: 2007-07-04 00:24

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attachments/200707/1238193285.jpg攝影/陳文發　
                                                                             
◎莊林勳（蘇建和案被告）
                                                                               
打從我出獄以來，我一直在渴望一種生活：有一份自己的工作，每天，陪家人看看電視，聊聊天，即使話不多也沒關係；然後，養一條狗，夏天帶它去海邊游泳...
                                                                               
這樣的生活，或許對一般人來說很垂手可得，但對我並不是。出獄四年，我仍然不斷在為我的案子跑法庭，等待每次的審判，為每次的結果心神不寧，無法為生活做長期而穩定的規劃。過去，司法的誤判讓我的世界有了十二年的空白，還患上了精神疾病，剛回到家時，連弟弟都有些難以接受這突然回來的哥哥，我不怪他，我明白，人總是比較喜歡看到美好的事物。
                                                                               
過去的朋友全都斷了聯絡，也難以再重新建立；曾經，在一場喜宴上，有個人說他是我小學同學，問我記不記得，我卻怎麼都想不起來，讓人尷尬不已；還有一次，有個當警察的國中同學要跟我聯絡，我也不敢輕易打電話給他，怕我的身份會影響到他的生活或工作...
 
偶而，我會想，為什麼我該承受不該屬於我的痛苦？每當我痛苦，我第一個想起的人一定是我的辯護律師蘇友辰。十六年前，他義無反顧地接下我的案子，義務為我奔命，我尊敬他，在他面前我總不多言，而他卻總記得我每次都會幫他倒的那杯水，他說：「我執業這麼久，從沒有一個被告幫我倒過水。」在我化約為一組刑犯號碼的日子裡，他，給了我一份存在的重量，也讓我不至於心裡充滿怨恨，我痛苦時，我只會想：「他都在
受了，我為什麼不能？」
                                                                               
現在，我的精神狀況漸佳。我慢慢丟掉一些會讓我脫離現實的藥丸，用自己的方式控制病情。因為，活著，我渴望觸碰真實，走進這個世界，我受了很久的苦，但也遇上了很好的人，夠了。我不會放棄，我仍在默默等待著一份完全屬於我的生活，而那要等官司完全結束後才能擁有，到時我會有自己的工作，陪家人看看電視，夏天養一條狗，帶它去海邊游泳...

（20070628蘇案宣判前夕）
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